Column: Holidays are bad for you

There is no bigger fallacy than that holidays are good for you.

If you need further proof please consult my waistline.

I was only away from my desk for a week but on return from seven days indulging my every whim in the Greek islands – I already have to sit farther away from it than I used to.

In theory, and according to my not terribly precise calculations,  you should actually use more calories while out and about on your jollies than while chained to a desk earning your pennies.

I’m absolutely sure I burned significant number while demonstrating my lunging and scratching techniques for slapping mosquitoes into touch.
And to be honest, those glasses of Greek beer are really big and heavy – they almost constitute weight training.

Swimming in the icy pool has to be better than typing for general fitness yet I have returned to Blighty with a week’s weight gain commensurate with that of a baby hippo.

Can’t think what I did wrong.

Further evidence of the  destructive nature of holidays came with the advent of Monday morning. Instead of leaping, renewed, like a young gazelle with clear eyes and a reborn appetite for life, I  cowered under the covers like an escaped prisoner in the pub for the first time in a decade.

Finally, plucking the courage to throw back the duvet, I managed to roll out with a groan, bothering my mosquito bites which are so numerous, customs officials raised a red flag due to fears that smallpox is making a comeback.

Squinting in the mirror at my reddened, dry-looking, bitten, face I  cracked open my exhausted eyelids before throwing myself in the shower, my peepers still only partially open.

With pouring water came clarity that not only was I returning to normal life, but one filled with approximately 7,000 unread emails, 3,000 problems and one week of news to catch up on.

All this using my brain mushed by a week’s proper sleep and an unfortunate adventure testing out the local Ouzo.

To add insult to injury, wearing pre-vacation sized clothes so tight I can barely walk.

I need a holiday.

*This first appeared in titles including Lancashire Evening Post: HERE